Loved this reframe! As someone who tends to be skeptical of excesses of the outer approach as possibly people projecting their lack of self-healing onto "fixing" others, this was an interesting perspective to read.
I loved this! Very inspiring. I don’t think it’s self care OR community care, it’s both. It’s a tension to manage - a polarity - and there are dangers of excesses in both.
I really love this sentiment. I wrote a piece a few years ago titled “Solidarity over self-care” which made a similar point. One possible reframe I might offer here is that in a lot of ways, we’ve replaced community with consumption—we are more inclined to pay for a service or experience than create community constellations that provide us with what we really need to thrive. Your point that part of healing what ails us socially and economically might come from reinvesting our time and energy into helping others is right. But I think self-development born from community (say, AA) can also be an investment in helping other people in a way that paying $XXX a session for therapy is not.
Oh I would definitely agree with that frame. AA is a very much social development in this case. Even though each individual benefits, they are actually benefitting each other (which benefits them). And totally more effective than therapy!
Right now I'm thinking about it like a federated nation of independent newsletter states. Can a bunch of writers collaborate on something together, even as we individually make money? That's what I'm currently trying to think through.
I have been thinking through the same exact question. Let us know as your thoughts develop or you make progress, could be a cool thing. I might work towards it as well.
I think about this a lot, about being helpful to others and where it all falls apart is I’m terrible at accepting help from others who are trying their very best to be helpful to me. That’s sorta the other side of that coin; be helpful to others and accept help from others when you’re the “others” they are trying to help. Maybe there’s a course I can take to get better … 😀😀😀😀
I've been thinking a lot about this because I have offered free babysitting to every friend with a child and no one has ever taken me up on it. I've offered everything from "I'll take a nightshift" and "I'll watch them for a week" to "even if you want to just go to the gym, just drop your child on your way. I work from home and I can stop at anytime!" But people feel too guilty.
The crazy thing is that no one should feel guilty because everyone LIKES to help! It makes them feel better—like they are doing something that can help! The people who want to help you probably actually want to!!!!!
Very much agree with this. You're clearly very self aware to be able to realise and change tack when you see where you can best make use of your energy and time. I'm sure you'll make positive waves in the world, both in your local circle and more broadly.
That is very kind Shoni. It was actually a quote by Blake Mycoskie that made me shake out of it at the time. He had written in an article that he had to start a mission-driven company because if he didn't he would just spend his time at home focused on himself and his own problems. That focusing outward put him in a much better place, and could do much more good. I always loved that!
Inspiring essay, Elle. There's the famous adage off Rabbi Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be? If I am only for myself, what am I? if not now, when?"
How local to provide help is something I'm constantly weighing. I like your distinction between those in public life with a grater span of agency –––elected officials, intellectual influencers (you are one)––and those who have a more private or circumscribed span.
I also thought about the distinction between babysitting for a relative and giving your relative a material advantage over others.
I am constantly weighing how local my support should be, so the distinction between my career and my personal life helps a lot! Thankfully, there are many avenues that outward focus can go toward and it all counts.
Actually I'm going to DM you about an idea you just gave me!
Love this! "The road to inner peace is actually outer peace. It’s focusing on others."
It's what Karen Armstrong wrote about in "The Great Enlightenment" -- the Golden Rule is kind of everything we need. The recently late Jimmy Carter taught us all that simply by the way he lived his life -- leading by serving others.
Loved this reframe! As someone who tends to be skeptical of excesses of the outer approach as possibly people projecting their lack of self-healing onto "fixing" others, this was an interesting perspective to read.
Loved this. I just met a woman who created a third space in her yard in LA—Jo Little— https://www.instagram.com/jonotsolittle/
Omg I love this so much!
Happy new year! I loved Hasan Minhaj's latest standup, too.
I loved this! Very inspiring. I don’t think it’s self care OR community care, it’s both. It’s a tension to manage - a polarity - and there are dangers of excesses in both.
Absolutely!
This was a really great read.
Thanks Austin 🥰
I really love this sentiment. I wrote a piece a few years ago titled “Solidarity over self-care” which made a similar point. One possible reframe I might offer here is that in a lot of ways, we’ve replaced community with consumption—we are more inclined to pay for a service or experience than create community constellations that provide us with what we really need to thrive. Your point that part of healing what ails us socially and economically might come from reinvesting our time and energy into helping others is right. But I think self-development born from community (say, AA) can also be an investment in helping other people in a way that paying $XXX a session for therapy is not.
Oh I would definitely agree with that frame. AA is a very much social development in this case. Even though each individual benefits, they are actually benefitting each other (which benefits them). And totally more effective than therapy!
I enjoyed this.
Well that's high praise coming from you!
Love the article! I've also thought about creating a cooperative writer-based ecosystem, I'd be curious to hear more about your thoughts on that.
Right now I'm thinking about it like a federated nation of independent newsletter states. Can a bunch of writers collaborate on something together, even as we individually make money? That's what I'm currently trying to think through.
I have been thinking through the same exact question. Let us know as your thoughts develop or you make progress, could be a cool thing. I might work towards it as well.
Dear Elle,
You spoke to my heart today—such a lovely letter.
I agree 101%.
The more we distance ourselves from our selfish needs, the more loving we become as human beings.
I have also realized and am embracing my social development by the day.
The need to develop myself has decreased significantly, and the need to develop myself socially has increased.
I think it's the sign of times for people like us that must go out and help.
Big hearts must do Big things.
Yes!!! This is beautiful Yannis.
I think about this a lot, about being helpful to others and where it all falls apart is I’m terrible at accepting help from others who are trying their very best to be helpful to me. That’s sorta the other side of that coin; be helpful to others and accept help from others when you’re the “others” they are trying to help. Maybe there’s a course I can take to get better … 😀😀😀😀
I've been thinking a lot about this because I have offered free babysitting to every friend with a child and no one has ever taken me up on it. I've offered everything from "I'll take a nightshift" and "I'll watch them for a week" to "even if you want to just go to the gym, just drop your child on your way. I work from home and I can stop at anytime!" But people feel too guilty.
The crazy thing is that no one should feel guilty because everyone LIKES to help! It makes them feel better—like they are doing something that can help! The people who want to help you probably actually want to!!!!!
A beautiful read to start the year, thank you Elle!
It made me think of Matt Haig’s poem, Self Help.
How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.
Very much agree with this. You're clearly very self aware to be able to realise and change tack when you see where you can best make use of your energy and time. I'm sure you'll make positive waves in the world, both in your local circle and more broadly.
That is very kind Shoni. It was actually a quote by Blake Mycoskie that made me shake out of it at the time. He had written in an article that he had to start a mission-driven company because if he didn't he would just spend his time at home focused on himself and his own problems. That focusing outward put him in a much better place, and could do much more good. I always loved that!
And now you can be that voice for others. Nice how these things come to us when we need to hear them, hey?
Oh I hadn't thought about that. Wild!
Inspiring essay, Elle. There's the famous adage off Rabbi Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who will be? If I am only for myself, what am I? if not now, when?"
How local to provide help is something I'm constantly weighing. I like your distinction between those in public life with a grater span of agency –––elected officials, intellectual influencers (you are one)––and those who have a more private or circumscribed span.
I also thought about the distinction between babysitting for a relative and giving your relative a material advantage over others.
I am constantly weighing how local my support should be, so the distinction between my career and my personal life helps a lot! Thankfully, there are many avenues that outward focus can go toward and it all counts.
Actually I'm going to DM you about an idea you just gave me!
Love this! "The road to inner peace is actually outer peace. It’s focusing on others."
It's what Karen Armstrong wrote about in "The Great Enlightenment" -- the Golden Rule is kind of everything we need. The recently late Jimmy Carter taught us all that simply by the way he lived his life -- leading by serving others.
Totally! The golden rule AND its inverse (don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to yourself).